and i won’t let you choke. | April 9, 2011

from some of the first goddess meet ups.


During the holidays, primarily near new years, I was hell bent on ending my life. I believed, like god fearing baptists believe in the sweet lord jesus, that I was a burden and a liability to those I loved. I am a coward in that the knife could never cut, in that I was never dedicated enough to find pills that would actually kill me and in that I could actually never step off a cliff. I suppose, luckily, most days.

People don’t stumble into the slaughtering of the self, I do believe.

I think it is a long, slow, denial filled march. It is a parade of the inability of an individual. The inability of an individual to project a humane appearance to be related to and an inability of those outside of the individual to see the lack of projection and look deeper.

Being inside of the bubble of the individual who was socially decaying, it was interesting to see how others of our species reacted. It makes me think of raccoons and how, even when a fellow raccoon is smeared across a highway, other raccoons know to recover the carcass. out of love perhaps.

We don’t know how see the humility of each others being.

Those closest people to me hollered out in rage screaming, “You have no reason to be this upset! You have no reason to be this sad!” Which made me think… “Awww, you’re kinda screaming at yourself right now, huh?” Because how could anyone outside of a being know the depths of an individual’s pain? Do we know what makes up each individual’s reactions to love? Do we know what makes up a bird knowing which food to eat and why?

We don’t.

Then there were those who could peg me. They could figure me out.

I am a “victim personality type”. I am crazy. I am manipulative. I am one of those who fake suicide to push and hurt those around me.

Well, thank you friend. Now where has your all knowingness brought us?

It hasn’t helped either of us build anything, has it?

How does it serve you to be right? How does it build relationships? How are you or I better off?

…but what does looking deeper look like?

Mental health stuff is funny. People always say, “If you’re sad, you should talk about it.” But then when you do, people get funny. They start behaving preemptively and hyper sensitively. Trust is lost through sadness and anger. It’s a snowball of precarity.

“We don’t know what to do! We don’t know what to do… We don’t know what to do!”

Over and over, it’s all I heard. As people changed their behaviors around me, smiling to my face and fearing me behind my back, I fell farther and farther from understanding. There was no reality to bounce thoughts off of, only fear teetering on eggshells.

Then this womyn flew out to say, “Lesley, you are human.” And life got lighter. She listened and took my pain seriously. She never assumed maliciousness but walked with me through conversations finding truth in me. She took me seriously. She found the humility within me.

…and I stopped falling.

I found steps through her genuine self. I could visualize a reality to bounce off of. She wasn’t afraid to hurt me. She saw eggshells and crushed them making them more compostable for growth.

“It feels as though all of my bridges have been burned.

You said, “That’s exactly how this grace thing works.

It’s not the long walk home that will change our hearts,

but the welcome we receive with every start.”


We know what to do. We’re just scared.

I love and appreciate Sara Tansey.


Posted in Uncategorized


  1. I just want to say how truly blessed I’ve been that I’ve been able to spend a small amount of time with both Sara and yourself. You’re both beautiful people in the truest sense. You I had known for years prior, although that short time was more than the years prior ever could have been. Sara was completely new to me, but that feeling subsided quicker than I could have ever imagined. There was no anger or sadness present that night, but I saw a different you than I ever had before. I didn’t fully know why then and part of me has since thought that I may have simply imagined it for some personal gratification, but I see the real reason now and it makes me love and respect you both more than I did during our short time together.

    Comment by Carnegie — April 9, 2011 @ 8:40 pm

  2. oh darling i love you so much. thanks for putting all of this out there and sharing how you were received. i get that its not unusual to be received in all the ways you were, but i still dont understand. i am glad i could come out and i am glad i left you with some awesome new music. 😉 you are incredible and i love you.

    Comment by Sara Tansey — April 14, 2011 @ 2:44 am

  3. Beautiful.

    Comment by Lorena — April 14, 2011 @ 4:05 pm

  4. Who’s carnegie, the first commentor? also, this morning i listened as a housemate of mine told me she was getting all this reinforcement for the idea that she was someone who hurts the people she loves. i looked at her and told her that that wasn’t my experience and she shot back that i seemed to be in the minority. i quipped that i usually am. it is unreal to me how we must force upon others our stories for them, how it is somehow safer to hide behind our walls. look into each others eyes, it’s so radical and revealing. give me real connection anytime.

    Comment by Sara Tansey — April 16, 2011 @ 4:48 pm

    • The first one is Josh from Pittsburgh. Perogies!!

      Comment by raven0us — April 16, 2011 @ 5:15 pm

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    Mother Lover. <3

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