evolving beyond abuse. | May 12, 2011

Most of my life has been spent wondering what it looks like to evolve beyond the abuse prevalent in my family, let alone society. Many days I feel my fate is sealed and that is often when I revert back to my inherited coping mechanisms. I lash out, angry that I will never out grow my upbringing. I spent most of my life feeling like white trash and it is tiring and it keeps coming back over and over.

With Jordan in my life, I constantly try to determine the best route for breaking the cycle of abuse. There are many days I believe my death would be a service to him since he would be less likely to inherit my coping mechanisms as I inherited my mother and fathers. He would be less inclined to see the blowback of my history in my day-to-day actions. I generally quickly jump back to thinking that I am also the only one with this unique perspective to offer him and myself a platform of transformation.

But is it possible? Am I treading water in my development? Will I always?

Yesterday I was reading Jordan a bedtime story/textbook of insects and bugs and things.  We came upon the Spicebush Swallowtail Caterpillar, who mimics the appearance of a snake to protect itself from predators. See!:

(and it’s also freakin’ adorable!)

I was blown away by this adaption! What?! One day a caterpillar saw a snake and was like, “How come that dude’s not getting fucked with?” and then what? Thought himself into the appearance of a snake! I am frankly befuddled. I mean that makes me evolving beyond the inherent abuse within me seem like a cake walk.

I sit and wonder how many generations it took to perfect the look. I wonder how it was passed down from generation to generation. What did the first mimicer do???

I wonder how much I have to mimic during this generation to pass a different reality down to Jordan. Where are our examples to draw from? Who can we mimic to protect ourselves from the other preditors unsure of how to evolve themselves? How can we support each other in this evolution?

I feel like since we all carry residual damage and habits from the abuse intitutionally, idealologically, interpersonally and internally(ha.) Since we all carry the damage, that positive reinforcement is where it starts.  We all at least have the time to point out when it feels right and healthy. When interpersonal interaction feels growth inducing and stable. 

We also have the right to point out when it doesn’t feel right, but then do we have any duty to that person who is presenting the harmful techniques? Do we not want that person to evolve with us?

I want to evolve with everyone. I’m behind, but I’m catching up.

Let us take each day and notice the ways people around us are trying to evolve and let us give each other examples of ways to evolve.


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    Mother Lover. <3

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