cleansing… plans change, you know. | June 5, 2011

Stardate log: Day 3 post IUD.

Jordan joined me for my appointment where my baby regulating-alien communicating-hormone out of whacking antenna was  removed. He was mostly pre-occupied reading about snakes. He is actually reading these days. He sounds out words and reads. Breath taking. B-U-G. it his favorite word and mine. His chubby cheeks giggle everytime he gets to the ‘G’ adding exclamation to a very important word.

When I dressed in the gown and laid back to wait for the doctor, Jordan looked up and said, ” Mom, they’re gonna take your legs off so you don’t have babies anymore?” ha. oh geez.

I explained what was happening and why. We talked about why they would put an antenna up my butt to stop babies. This is a very confusing process for a 4 year old. I let him know that birth control doesn’t really get less confusing the older you get, it’s still just a choice between the least detrimental options.(note: they do not put an antenna up my butt.)

It felt nice to have it out though. I have been feeling this vibration in my abdomen and a lot of lower back tension. Most of that has subsided instantly. Maybe it was in my head but I felt lighter.

About a week ago I woke up already talking to myself in my head, before I even had conscious thought my mind started saying, “Don’t let that weight drop!” and then I giggled and the weight didn’t drop. phew. like missing an anvil Wile E. Coyote style.  Now I remember that brain whisper every morning I wake.

I cleaned my room. I cleaned my car.

The sun hits the furniture and the seats more pleasantly now. The air feels more fresh to breathe.

My body has been desiring caffeinated beverages less.  I remember being on my way to the 27 center and thinking I have to amp up my brain so maybe I will be allowed to speak in a conversation. I’ll think faster. I’ll speak faster. I’ll have something important to contribute. I failed a lot. I smile more slowly now. I mean it more, not trying to convince as much. My smile, you get if you get it. So I have been drinking more tea. I had some herbal tea made from medicinal herbs harvested at East Wind, a commune in Missouri. The people staying at my house that are traveling brought it. Delish.

There is still one big weight hanging in the air. I’m on this path of cleansing and re-writing my habits and I feel good about it even if I still hit patches of quick sand, but there is this major decision in front of me. When I moved to Denver, I moved to a group of people.  I planned to raise Jordan in a group of adults that were willing to walk a path together. Willing to grow. Willing to jump hurdles. Specifically a group who highlighted supporting troops in their pathology as a priority, supporting communities, supporting people disfigured by low class shrapnel. Perhaps they didn’t know what they were saying. They didn’t know the difficulty of that offer. The cycles the set backs the detox. Perhaps I just really am evil, the kind you write off of existence, so be cautious.  Either way, that group HATES me now and I am raising Jordan in much of the same ways I was on base. We are alone a lot. Relationships are mostly visceral. I am back to working as many hours as possible to afford day care and food.

During the past month to two months of constant physical breakdown, Jordan has been beside me. I have spent nearly all energy each day offers listening and attempting to develop him. It doesn’t feel like enough though. Jeff and I were thinking that Jordan going to Japan now instead of next year might be a healthy decision for him.  It makes sense. I have been looking into yoga and meditation classes. If Jordan was with Jeff I would be able to take on enough hours to pay for classes and learn some personal sense of stress management through yoga and meditation.

So I have to decide if Jordan should leave in a couple weeks for an adventure in Japan.  Today my decision feels hard because my home is filled with beautiful, alive, raw people teaching Jordan magic tricks and juggling and caring unbiasedly for each other and everyone. I want Jordan to know that.

I don’t want him to know the deprivation I have been experiencing. The abandonment. The elitism. The many hours of work for what? to come home tired and disgruntled. yuck.

Could I make the most of this year?

In a lot of ways I am surprisingly where I’d like to be, should everything go as planned over the next 3 to 4 months.  I should be in a beautiful home with two inspirational people. The home I live in now is lovely and I am endlessly thankful to my two house mates who have witnessed these last couple very difficult months. Unfortunately, jordan and i don’t fit in our room and there was that shooting two houses down.

I can make the most of this year. I am making progress. I am not worthless.


I can’t substantiate and provide this life to Jordan without radical support.  But it is my goal, still.


Posted in Uncategorized

Leave a Comment »

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

    About the Author

    Mother Lover. <3

    Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

    Join 930 other followers

%d bloggers like this: