you could have it all. my empire of dirt. | June 12, 2011

i will let you down. i will make you hurt.

i have been singing this song pretty constantly in my head. at first i would tell myself, “don’t sing that. it’s depressing and diminishing to your self worth.” then i thought about the word “dirt” and all the amazing restorative, resilient properties of it.

by golly, my empire of dirt is damn impressive.

paralleling my western psychological intervention, i have been studying meditation and healing/tarot cards. i have noticed that the cards specifically open up so much space for self reflection in very creative and abstract ways.

i love dirt. love it. i love people who expose their dirt. i love people who are dirty. so earthy. i love my dirt.

i have been called out and scorned for my specifics. many people believe dirt is private property. not to be shown or spoke of. it’s dangerous. when i hear this i think, silence won’t make specifics disappear and not exist. silence or tactful diplomacy will not provide safety from any fears. people still talk about EVERYTHING. is compartmentalized, calculated, strategic interaction more controllable?

now allow me to talk of the fertility of my dirt. my stain causing, gritty soil. me talking about my anxiety has been ugly so far. people are angry. many say i am a mud slinger. that i drag people through the trenches with me.

true. isn’t it great?!

yes, it is. you know why? i am not the only one debilitated by anxiety. my story strengthens others. my dramatic dirt lifts people up and breaks them out of feeling alone.

another reason i love my dirt and the fact that i wear it like a 5 year old after hours of splashing in puddles is because it forces me to stay on track.  people have a whole wrap sheet to hold me to. no hiding.

i am so so proud of my strength and focus through all of this. life has been rewarding me and re-assuring me that i have chosen a strong, healthy path.

most of my medicine card readings have been pointing out how i have been ignoring something very important because i didn’t want to let it go. i think this was te death of zach and i. even though from my blog it looks like zach and i were just a firey train wreck of destruction, our love was actually sooo good. so rich and tasty and good. it was instant relief. it was heart melting passion.

it eventually was addiction.

i am an intuition respecting, vibe following, irrational puddle of creation and it works for me like a Cadillac fresh of the lot. smooth.

zach is a skeptic intellectual hungry for black and white facts and starving to determine who is right and who is wrong. action.  articulation. quick, precise knowledge. and it works for him too.

my element is not his element. his element is definitely definitely NOT my element. so neither of us are strong when we walk the same road together. unfortunate. that love was so sweet.

but other love is sweet too. and i am hungry for some sweet love that builds.

anyone can have my empire of dirt, it ain’t private property.

we will let each other down. we will make each other hurt.

and then from chaotic love comes the order of passion.

we just have to stop closing our doors and turning our lights out, we aren’t more safe in hiding.


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  1. good for you sweety, embrace the mud….

    Comment by Kristin M Jayson — June 12, 2011 @ 9:32 pm

  2. Compartmentalized, calculated, strategic interaction IS more controllable…it helps to control the perception one has of someone and who (being in the shoes of the “someone”) wants that?

    Comment by not needed — June 13, 2011 @ 11:32 pm

    • come again? i don’t get this comment. can you reword?

      Comment by raven0us — June 14, 2011 @ 7:19 pm

  3. When people interact in compartmentalized ways they can (for instance) try to control how an individual is being perceived if that individual is not speaking out. So everyone should just speak out and not be afraid to share because when you don’t the little high school cliques of the world will paint your image for you and it’s not going to look pretty. De-compartmentalized interaction is much healthier for the world.

    I see what you were getting at with compartmentalized interaction being uncontrollable because people still gossip, and I agree. What I’m saying is compartmentalized interaction can be very controlling. It’s not very controllable (and that’s was made my comment confusing- meant to say controlling), but it IS controlling how a person or several people are being perceived if they aren’t speaking out.

    Comment by not needed — June 14, 2011 @ 10:15 pm

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