fear of that which is female. | January 6, 2012

I was talking to this being that looks like a lion that lives in the basement. This being talked about how Adam means humanity and Eve means life in Hebrew  They described the allegory as humanity fearing life. Of life eating the forbidden fruit which ultimately destroys humanity.

I found this to be quite relevant, especially because I fear life much like I fear womyn, much like I fear the female that runs through all beings. An almost joyous fear, a fear destined to be concurred triumphantly. Like the retirement at the end of our careers, we will live life after we work enough for it. After we produce enough results to be deemed valuable by the larger us. Those that have been socialized to feminine ideals can be friends with each other and have platonic friendships after sexual intimacy is satiated, after we have been stabilized in our hetero normative realities.  The fear of life and that which is female is a fear that can crush harder and be more debilitating than nearly any other failure. A fear with no safety net, no guarantee because everything is set up to compliment it’s opposite reality.  To not live life but to be a cog, to not grow through nurturing and care but to be efficient in ones job as a cog.

Life. I am ready to live it! Dreams are huge and I prepare myself to conquer even the most complex conflict!

But eish. That jump into the abyss of it all. The jump to live. The jump to care for womyn that may not care back, who are socialized to not care back. Emotional suicide. At least if we perpetuate social norms within unfulfilling traditional relationships we will have a script to fall back on.

As we know, each of us can rationalize the availability of any given reality. Time and again mottoes are created to remind each of us that we can do ANYTHING!

Yet, few of us ever do anything, no?

Then that which is female. I have written endlessly on this topic. The harlot. The Babylon. The Anima. The Jezebel.

I run viciously towards bold-hearted womyn, towards those who were socialized to aspire towards a female ideal. I say “I am here to be  friends with you! I am willing to create a relation with you that is not prescribed to me as a tactic of prostration!” … and then my stomach tightens in fear. Who am I investing in here?! This person holds no stake in me. This person is not concerned with my failures, with my short comings. I am only destined to fail or interfere in this persons reality. There is no trust between us.

These are embedded fears. They are experiential fears. I have bashed against the wall made up of the limits of female to female love and nurturing numerous times. The closing of that door where the friendship has gone as far as friendships go and the only relation allowed passed that door of care is male to female intimacy. I have tried to bridge this door, to bash it down with female on female intimacy, in my mind screaming, “Let me past that door, friend! Let us care for each other and nurture each other!”

The female energy goes home with the male energy. Life goes home with humanity. Life sleeps beside humanity in a deferred stasis.

Survival and the mission supersede our ability to stick to our intentions.

Last night there was a talk at my house (“A talk? no way. In’n’t that about all Denver does? Talk and talk, where is the action?!”) It was a discussion on positive masculinity, which inevitably involves it’s inverse, especially since there is no such divide between female and male, just as there is no us verse them, no real line between good and evil, except within selves, beings, objects. So there was talk of just this. This fear of anima, maybe. How it has played out in our radical community. How it has created interpersonal wars. How it is more often than not last on our list for the… coming insurrection, or not considered part of the insurrection at all. How positive masculinity demands the liberation of the feminine within those who have been socialized to aspire to masculine ideals.

In the context of anatomy and anthropomorphizing life and humanity. Humanity is scared of life. Humanity wants to fuck life and leave it with come dripping from its gaping orifice. To impregnate life in hopes that it will give birth and raise new consecutive generations of life available for living whilst humanity “makes progress”. Humanity wants to own life, quickly and always. Living life is the slut vacation of humanity, considered frivolous. We shape our existence insinuating that we can indulge in the whore that is life after we put in overtime as humanity.  We are each others miscarried children, stunted in the womb. More motherless than fatherless. More dead than alive. Barely surviving, barely staying above water. Our ability to nurture shares the spectrum with our ego. Systematically our culture mandates that ego dominates the spectrum. That we must show progress in order to be considered a contributor. Nourishing each other is not respected as a contribution to the greater whole. Nourishing each other is a “cute” concept much like a wife taking on a project she is passionate about is a “cute” gesture.

Life sleeps beside humanity in a deferred stasis. We bring the domesticated suburbia into our bedrooms, past the veils of our radical communities and we find false comfort there. We find band aids beneath pillow cases that cover the wounds from our cat fights. Our cat fights waged to claw our way to legitimacy. We spit on each others vulnerability like a plague killing our legitimacy in a fast paced misogynist world. We will not go down with that “emotional” “gossip” ridden ship.

I believe our current mode of interpersonal insurrection is legitimizing nurturing as the radical direct action it is. Our front line would be much more impenetrable and identifiable if we knew each other and cared for each other through conflict and failure and took pride in the feminine that is in each of us. As we have discounted so many other facets of religion and Christianity that uphold each fascist state, we must also discount the idea of efficiency over nurturing. No matter how long it takes. We have to believe in the goddess in each of us again and be proud to ally with it.

I do, after all, believe we can do anything.





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1 Comment »

  1. I am speechless and overwhelmed with emotions from this piece of writing, especially the 12th paragraph -the one that starts “In the context of humanity…”. I live in Longmont, I don’t really know Denver’s community, but your words are finding a place in me & I think the same is true for many of the feminine spirits I know. This is stirring up some feelings I haven’t been able to articulate as well as you have here. Thank you for speaking this truth. I will write more after I’ve mulled this over a bit.

    Comment by Rebecca — January 7, 2012 @ 1:40 am

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