raven0us

my fuck you resume. | September 14, 2012


This morning I woke from a dream to my son being ecstatic to go back to Japan with his Daddy. I couldn’t remember the dream so I groggily choked back tears of the coming moments and got Jordan in the bath. I began washing his hair and laid him back in the tub to get his hair wet. As his head went under and his eyes closed he became startled and jumped back up to sitting closing his eyes and opening them over and over.

He said,”Mommy! I can see my third eye! It’s green. Bright green with a dark black pupil!”

And suddenly my mind played back my dream. I was holding Jordan in my lap by the fire rocking him and looking into his eyes when I realized that Jordan had contacts in. His eyes were blood shot and the contacts were drying to his eyes. I became frantic worrying that his eyes were being hurt and wondering where the contacts came from. As I peeled the contacts back bright green eyes were revealed beneath! I was shocked and wondered how I had never known that my son’s eyes were green. I asked him where they came from and he smiled and said, “My Daddy has me wear contacts. It’s ok mommy.”

My husband came and picked up Jordan this morning. They are heading back to Japan.

My partner says green is the color of the heart charkra. My family sees through it’s heart chakra.

A couple days ago i dreamt that I was on a boat with Jordan, two of my sisters and my sister’s husband. One of my sisters is a RN, her husband is a police officer and my other sister is a CPA. In the dream, my sister that is an RN had her hair colored orange and yellow like the littleton shooter. At one point in a storm the boat flipped and we were all dumped into a very irritated sea. We got back in the boat somehow and realized Jordan was not in the boat. My sister’s husband and I jumped in the water and began searching for Jordan in murky, tumultuous waters. I could see nothing and I could only feel empty mud slip through my fingers. I thrashed about chanting mantras and begging all forces to help me. We resurfaced and my sister’s husband began explaining to me that it was too late, we might as well give up. We’d only find an empty body. I jumped back into the sea without a second’s hesitation. I swam as deep as I could and I charged my body. Suddenly a light shimmered through the water and shone directly on my son at the bottom. He wriggled and flapped with his face in the dirt. He appeared a bottom feeder and was breathing underwater. I raced to him and scooped him from the depths, from the weight, from the suffocation. He stared.

 

I haven’t received a certificate in years. I have no papers or bank accounts proving my worth. Most days I am far filthier than a job would allow. My insides are far far more clean than my mouth. I am far away from building a resume.

“So here’s to you, Mrs.  Robinson
People love you  more, oh nevermind, oh nevermind
In fucking fact, Mrs. Robinson
The world won’t care whether you live or die, live or die
In fucking  fact, Mrs. Robinson,
They probably hate to see your stupid face, your stupid  face
So here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson,

You live in an unforgiving place.”

Some would say I have nothing to give. A wasted little twit is what we’ve been called living this way.

But I can build you a shelter with my hands and bring you warmth. I know how to feel other humans and I have my dreams. I can sense when my body or your body is out of balance and I am receptive to balancing it. I am brave and I am strong. I seek opportunities to heal the people who surround me. I spend most of my nights touching this earth and feeling it surge through my body. I love. I want no thing(except maybe a better sleeping bag) and I am free. I am free to gain possessions and lose possessions. I am free to support the people I love with all my capasity. I am free to take time to grieve this broken heart and broken body. I bring my son to experiences he will never forget.

I have moved through so many worlds these past couple years and I know what ownership looks like. I dissolve ownership. In communities I see people come to give and be there for each other and I watch every single person lose everything. I watch those who have carriers and build empires and lose everything.

Can we please start celebrating this inevitability and stop grieving it?

Can we look at these objects that surround us and say, “That is not me and I exist after it is gone.”?

Can we stop valuing objects and comforts and start breaking the crust that is drying on our souls?

Can we own ourselves and our desires alone? alone.

Can we take the light feeling and seek what nourishes us? With every muscle.

Can we use our muscles?

I recently signed a letter to a friend:

“Good bye possessions, hello forest.

Stay strong and be weak in good company.”

 

 

A friend of mine lost her courage. She was searching for it in the murky depths of the sea. Emptiness slipped through her fingers and she said she was hoping to find her courage.

I said, “Courage, unlike money, grows on trees.”

Don’t let it bring you down. It’s only castles burning.

 

I can’t remember the end of my dream. I can’t remember if we got on the boat or just went swimming for shore.

Back to life.Image

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5 Comments »

  1. Beautiful!

    Comment by Abi — September 14, 2012 @ 8:29 pm

  2. you are exactly the kind of amazing, rebellious, beautiful, honest, generous, bold i want in my life. and i miss you. do come visit for a month or so, just give me some warning! i love you!!

    Comment by Sara Tansey — September 14, 2012 @ 9:41 pm

  3. Reblogged this on your passport to complaining and commented:
    A powerful piece from the tattered edges of Babylon

    Comment by paxus — September 15, 2012 @ 4:25 pm

  4. i know this place which like resume’s with profanities, only trouble is you have to help build it

    Comment by paxus — September 15, 2012 @ 7:58 pm

  5. I love this and it is wonderful and beautiful just like your wonderful soul. I can feel it (your soul) battling and letting go and opening up all at the same time. It feels to me like we are all moving closer to the forest, but you my friend are one of the pioneers. I love you for all of this and that bearded fellow too. He’s pretty alright.

    Comment by Rebllious Maximous — September 17, 2012 @ 3:01 am


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    About the Author

    Mother Lover. <3

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