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“This mother I crawled back to see. She is a lover to me.” WRFF Report back. | July 20, 2015


Report back,

Report back,

Do you hear me?

Am I here?

You hear this… settling?

Diverting waves of privilege.

My body. This image.

This treason of flesh.

So many conversations…

are the transactions of my cunt.

My spirit.

& folks bewilder it’s my making.

Like if I saw it different…

this wouldn’t be my truth.

Acknowledge the breakdown y’all

& remember the humility.

As blind as you are, you can see why this all is,

if you just look at the movement of your own desires.

With this cyclical explaining,

I grow faded, less potent.

This constant returning to the white man’s slight discomfort.

It’s the choking of the fertilizer on the bare soil.

It’s the gendering of marijuana.

We ritualize the plants to our own division

& orchestrate the perpetual nature of it.

Our innate genius is nauseating in the theater of reason.

Logic is a goat slaughter with too much beef sitting, rotting in the freezer from food stamps.

The most threatening thing you can ask of middle class white culture is to ask for integrity in the words spoken. It is literally a death sentence of treason to expect allyship/accomplice-ment or at least it is the setting of an ever present guillotine. That is where each NGO & governing body ceases to function. The entire socialization of white middle class culture is the negation of substance & continuity. It is programed that we resent more than we represent ourselves. Suspicion is considered wisdom to middle class white culture. Snitching is neighborhood watch to middle class white culture. Speaking for your values and worth is bullying in middle class white culture. Owning property is community to middle class white culture.

Today I finished carrying out the last of the things from Wild Roots Feral Futures. We were up Bear Creek.

I traveled from Eastern Oregon down the west coast & over from Bakersville, CA to be here on Ute land. It was a pretty uncharacteristic trip for me to make. For years I have been cultivating my relationship with the Pacific North West, primarily on Karuk & Yurok land. I have been managing ::military sexual trauma{MST}::(bum bum bum), self guided for about 6 years. Managing this deeply embedded cultural trauma has been made of many parts. Some parts “rewilding” (Which, for me means prioritizing listening to the land, her cycles & guiding my pace & intention from that place.), some parts screaming & crying & smashing, some parts learning plants, some parts making & giving medicine, some parts learning to plant back, some parts giving my lovers existential crisis so large that all their castles fall… generally on me, lots & lots of parts walking (FOREVER) with lots of weight, some parts coming to terms with the reality that my biological family is not a sanctuary and can not offer me understanding or neutral witness & that intentional family can feel like going to Walmart portrait studio expecting a classy, au natural product & well, you’ve seen those glam shots.

It has also been made of lotsa parts of:

Realizing that I have not chosen the assault that I have experienced.

I did not “make” these things happen to me.

I do not “make” these things happen to me.

& reminding myself that I am brave, loving & gracious.

Over & over & over again.

& more parts walking a lot.

Walking is a huge part of my experience because the complexities of marginalization can not be digested in the current landscape of priorities. Gotta walk it out.

What the heck does any of this have to do with Wild Roots Feral Futures? One may be asking…

Earlier I said, “Managing this deeply embedded cultural trauma”, I was “owning my experience” & speaking to the pillar metaphor in my life that is a concentrated reference for this entire life experience of being co modified & consumed. I wonder sometimes if I am privileged in a sense for having a single life event that impacted me so pivotally that there was no confusion of the roots of so much injustice. Sometimes when I see my friends shutting down & disassociating or numbing out, I think, “Gosh, it must be hard to pin point from the convoluted stimulation & transgressions that flow over a person everyday.”

This is like my fifth feral. I’m not a festi, never been to burning man. I attend faggot sanctuary gatherings to save my spirit & lick my wounds(or have someone lick them for me ;)). I attend feral because I care about a place & I fell in love with a group of people. I found love in a group of people. I care about a group of people. I long for continuity with a group of people. I attend feral futures because years ago I found some people that stumbled on each other in someone else’s woods & simultaneously expressed, “Shit. We come from a shallow people. We live in a culture of death. We are a shallow people with very little ability to be there for each other, yet, we have no where we can be.” There were also shouts & sobs of “The earth is being killed!” & “The government is toxic.” There were conversations about how we are settlers & devotions of subverting that power mongering. There has been indigenous folks that gifted patience & indigenous folks that said, “E-fucking-nough, middle class white kids.”

& also, there were plans made & adventures sought.

Of coarse, immediately (which you will find with nearly all social projects) there was efforts to buy land & there was more land occupied & gentrified.

There were radical parenting families formed & networks of plant wisdom & harvest cycles collected. There was another gathering that branched off from this gathering.

Lots of food stored, liberated & shared horizontally.

Hella primi skills lalala.

Wingnut woo conspiracies.

Also, from that group of people I fell for, several different efforts towards decolonization & defense of the land have unraveled.

I didn’t know then how deeply the habits were lodged in us.

This greed.

I held a discussion on wild crafting, transience & colonization on the second day I was at the encampment.

In so many ways, I had no right to do so.

I led that talk because I had to.

I can “become feral” anytime. I can sink back into listening on my own time & by golly I do.

But to gather about it. To gather about the celebration of each being’s wild roots and the limitless horizons of feral futures… To me, much of the reason we gather is to collectively deconstruct our white culture habits, mannerisms & entitlements. To have a place to return each year to dig deeper, as repetitive & trivial & confusing as a “bunch of adults” unknotting a species’ propensity for domination & exploitation is… well as far as I’m concerned it’s worth some tries, if not several lifetimes & generations.

At one point I shared a section of a recent poem:

“We pathologize to civilize. We civilize to commodify. We commodify to consume.”

This feral had many discussions on identity politics. A topic that I am pretty sure makes most people want to vomit or at least hermit or maybe just panic, for one reason or another. Identity politics did not come to be to start a party. Identity politics came from human beings evolving a system of formulaic domination in order for the chance that a few people someday would be able to be lazy and not die because of it (See: Agriculture/Arrrggghh-riculture). Identity politics arose from people realizing how many people had to die for that dream, from realizing who dies because of that dream, who becomes slaves to that dream. Identity politics is a discussion about how that dream of one day laziness built on lifetimes of genocide amounts to a really boring, sad world. Identity politics is conversations of shifting the trajectory of that played out culture. It is another layer of the veil being lifted.

The discussion I led had very little structure to it. I began by stating that I do not value professionalism or manners. Honestly, all I really had to give community was some lyrical, too rehearsed, pretty disassociated anger & deep regret. It came out as slightly righteous, unprepared for exposure. It may have come out as though I might know something. I’m pretty sure it came out in a language very few can even decipher, perhaps only actually audible to folks who could relate… singing to the choir.

Really, I was just tired & begging to be re-enchanted.

Capitalism is reinforced by systematic pathology. It remains standing on predetermined roles. This can & has been said infinitely; “White women are crazy,” “Black & brown people are dangerous,” “Trans folks are perverted,” “Men are oblivious.” I feel like I am bludgeoning myself by laying this out yet again.

The thing is, as I write this, my friend & her child’s stuff is packed in a room. My son & I’s belongings have been rationed between the “new women” that have taken my place. We are the mothers, an intentional family was built around us. We are as thoroughly used & forgotten as one can be while still getting by.

Most of those people that started a family with us are traveling abroad or have a sick old toyota with a cap on the back. Many have hook ups on organic farms & seasonal money as frosting on their own parents continued support. Most of them play string instruments reeeeeeaaaaalllllyyyy well. Many of them are “on a healing path away from victimhood.” Most of them are also white, come from a “well off” background, sexy & between the ages 20 & 30. A bunch of them also have goats, some horses, and pockets full of chickens.

These piles of forgotten mothers are stacking up. One can not lay claim to a plot of land, develop it and use for one’s own profit anymore. Radical friends, you can not use your peers that are mothers as projection boards for your parental trauma anymore. Non-traditional friends, one need not be mated to a cis-hetero male assigned person in order to raise a child. Matter of fact, it’s pretty clear that to raise a child in a nuclear dynamic (‘mother+father+child’ package) ingrains the very habits of consumption we long to/must grow out of.

The most ravishing part of Wild Roots Feral Futures this year, for me, was watching the femme/the nurturing parent in all of us that has been battered, spit on and disgraced stand up from the swamp of entitlement with each person’s self worth intact and foundational.

We are crawling to each other from a pit of rot. Most tactics have been defused & we are still trying.

Despite all of those with oppression-sourced comfort that have climbed the privilege ladder to the height of forgetting their humility. Despite those folks, some of us come together because we know that we need to know how to need each other. We return humble.

Humbly, we crawl to each other like valiant heroes of trust in ourselves.

As a mom with several piles of medicine, food & fabulous life scattered in a network of survival, I crawl to this other mom I know & relate to. It’s a hard beacon to find in a landscape of deeply scared parents. There are few people who grew little beings and fight to give them space, to listen, and learn of their own wild hearts in rhythm with this great planet.

There are so many people that dream of seeing white mother’s resist their programming. So many people that speak of how their mother’s complied & looked away & didn’t take responsibility for these habits. Yet as a mother that tries with all of me to make space for my offspring to be complex & aware & open hearted, there is so little support & so much chosen blindness. There is so much embedded resentment of mothers.

I returned from the forest & I spoke on the interweb with a long lost lover, someone who collaborated on parenting with me, who is now in a super hip dirty punk entourage in Europe. For weeks this person has been saying that they have been trying to call me to make sure I am ok. There has been stumbling blips in my fb messages all like, “Im trying to get a phone card. I promise to call!” Meanwhile he messages eclectic women on his fb about the latest hip European cabin & pictures come up of him in paradise after paradise with fancy liqueur in hand. This person, who sends me epics of astral romance & fated love & unending devotion, sent a fella all the way from Norway to Feral Futures. He was busking songs & sharing story. He did not share story of me or my son, though the person he sent was a waldorf teacher. No. To be cool or perhaps just out of unintentional blindness & a lack of scripts, he told the Norwegian traveler about an abandoned mining town in Nor Cal & that traveler came to the states, became friends with the charismatic wild dude that beat the shit out of me for months because I would not let him own me. Then the Norwegian, who was very kind, traveled to feral. More white boy joy rides to what end?

I returned from the forest & I spoke to my ex husband who is leadership in the U.S. Army. I wanted to check in with my son & I had to borrow some dollars to not oblige the home I was in & to get me through the 4th of July without too deep terror. He was doing a pilot of a program he is building for officers. He was working with a military psychologist to add more awareness to how one invades a town. They did training in Oklahoma as though they were in “theatre” or the war zone. He was the first person I spoke to on the phone upon returning to town. He told me of what the training included. It was a performance about bringing aid to a town & I can’t even document what the “reality” of that training looked like. On one hand, I am thankful to know my son’s fathers day to day life & on the other, his story felt like the penetration of my spirit. His retelling like a knife through the center of all of me. He said, “Hey friend, I don’t tell our son what I do.” He felt the impact in my voice. He said, “It’s the hard reality of it.”

I said, “Our child is made of your cells & my cells. He knows all we are and all we do. He feels you everyday and learns from how you hold yourself & what you stand for.”

He said, “I know you don’t like when I speak of these things.”

I said, “No. It is not that I do not like to hear what you do. I greatly appreciate your bravery to fill me in despite knowing I disagree. What you hear in my voice is the heavy historically & scientifically documented destruction of the land & her people from your work. It hurts my body tangibly. I know you are attempting to seek justice & liberation but I feel & am aware of how much must be destroyed to validate your ways.”

We are each crawling to each other from pits of rot. Each time we shed or grow, it is death culture that falls from us. Few have the endurance to crawl out. Many refuse to crawl due to having “choices”, as in the choice to elevate oneself while invisibilizing and stomping on others.

My son’s father makes payments on a Harley Davidson while I am homeless & without relevant medical support.

This constant return to the white man’s slight discomfort.

An old hip book rolled around the sitting places of wild roots, “How Non-Violence Protects the State(1).” It reminded me of the days I went to left hand books, an anarchist book store that used to be in Boulder. Left hand books, where they sold bumper stickers & posters of supporting veterans who resist. I thought of all the white boy manarchists that had their rhetoric tight about supporting radical mom’s & veterans. I remember all the pleas & bemoanings of how they were my accomplice. I thought of rewriting the book & calling it, “How White Women Protect the State.” I thought of the chapter “Sexual Violence as a Tool of Genocide” from the book “Conquest(2)” & I pictured all the women I have compersed(3) over through the years. The women who entered my intimate relationships even though I was not allowed to be intimate with anyone of any gender because of the fragile character & lack of gumption of the white boy. Yet I welcomed these women, acknowledging that it is systematic that we be pitted against each other over resources/men & that we give men & capitalism that power by fighting. But making space for these women did not guarantee affinity. Most of these women felt hyper entitled to not only take & invisibilize any of my work, they also just straight robbed me & told the men that I was abusive & undeserving. While trying to flee a trust fund green anarchist’s violence, a female assigned person that I had tried my best to be in relationship with, came back to this white boys cabin to protect him from me, even though I had not beaten him repeatedly. Even though I had not caused his body to be so sore it could not move. Even though I had not stolen his resources as he had mine & she told me to go live on the streets even though she had plenty of space and was living in a hip cabin with all of my books, clothes & son’s belongings. White female assigned women are socialized to throw each other under the bus when we need to gain access to resources.

There was this place at feral called Awesome Camp. It was a space for trans folk & female assigned beings. It was a place we could pick our pace & tell our stories within a group that did not need as much explaining as the average shmo. It is one of the few places I have found that I could actually speak of my life experience & not be pathologized. Like the “identity politics,” this space sorta made some folks want to vomit. There is an inherent exclusion to it on purpose. Most of my adult life I have thought, “Gosh, can’t male assigned & socialized folks just support each other so this excessive need stops falling on their lovers & communal mothers?!” But each time I spoke to that, my male assigned friends said, “Yea, that would be really cool. Thanks for the suggestion. I just don’t think any other dudes would. I can’t really get ’em to, you know? Plus, you are everything I need really. Sooo I could just own you instead & you can give me lifetimes of counseling even though I never give you any credit for it or ever stand up for you publicly & I could leave you for luxury when you need me the most?”

So to me Awesome Camp was a way of saying, “We aren’t waiting for you to organize yourself anymore and we are creating a place that is at least safe enough that we can rest without one eye open.”

& I rested there. It was amazing for me because there were times when I was at the communal fire and male socialized person after male socialized person filled my view & speaking space & talked over me to the point where I started losing my focus & purpose. They were “great ones,” really wonderful people truthfully. But without having to be harsh with them I was able to retreat to awesome camp & slowly share my experience & skills with people who often don’t get access to learning of the earth. I had space to remember that my skills don’t have to be funneled straight to the most dominant. I had space to see the people that are systematically hidden & attacked. Awesome camp also had space for QTPOC, which in some absence of dominant voices & habits, I was able to see within myself how I am habituated to be racist & transmisogynist & just plain misogynist. I saw the light within QTPOC’s ebb & flow in both spaces. Simultaneously, white boys in buck skin clothes assumed the vipassana position in discussion circles & moved with abundance & light naivety. I felt the habits of space taking & intellectual dominance penetrate me but also was able to witness that I have more armor of privilege. I say stupid shit like assumptions that come from a white girl. I spoke with entitlement about my presumptions in life & I spoke over people. I was birthed onto a pedestal of white supremacy & it takes awareness in every interaction to self reflect & hold myself to some systematic bullshit. I was gifted patience from those who capitalism teaches me I can step on with no remorse. I was again taught grace & resilience when there was no obligation to teach me.

In a conversation on Decolonization, this fella that is hella down with “one love” sentiments and like “everybody can choose to be happy” guy that smokes all day e’ryday says, “Well sure, there’s oppression, but like I don’t wanna be feeling like I’m walking on eggshells.”

I think I said something like, “so there is “one love” & supposing that is true, that would mean that we all carry the pain & injury of power dynamics. So if someone gains awareness of this pain and embodies or empathizes with the struggle of other’s, then the feeling of walking on eggshells is actually the sharing of the tension of oppression, not one person’s tally of what is politically correct over the other.”

This person did not hear me. This person felt offended and found ways to retaliate over the remainder of the gathering. At the end he screamed as he carted away his stone pipe making bench, “You are the worst outcast of this entire species! You are horrible!”

In no way do I declare I am decolonized or rewilded. Rewriting how we distribute power & value is generations of clumsy, belligerent collaboration.

I realize too that I am a shmuck crawling out of a pit of rot, begging for mercy.

Still, I value the magic of the marginalized, the resilience.

This mother I crawled back to see. She is a lover to me. We became lovers from loving & being dominated & trying to parent with the same male socialized dude. She moved through violence with that person and with each person with a penis she has engaged with, with grace, patience & calm awareness. She took it all on with as little judgement as she could. She spoke to the strengths of these people as they neglected her & abused her patience. I have traveled a different road about it all, the whole parenting in grotesque misogyny. I yelled and screamed and hollered, “Excuse, I don’t mean to be rude, just give me that mic lemme do what I do” about it. I told everyone about how I have been treated and I judged those who had wronged me.

Both of us ended up with our belongings in a pile in collective houses with the rad kids talking about how we didn’t do it right. “She should have spoke up,” they think. “I should have shut up,” they think.

& of coarse, they also think, “Cool. Just tell me what to do & I’ll do it. Just tell me.”

But I don’t. Cause we can’t.

Because we don’t believe we can parent & nurture each other.

& I don’t intend to spell doubt. Yet there is this deafening of dominance, there is a building of cages around mothers, especially mothers that are free.

More so, many don’t know how to receive.

How do you receive parenting? It has to do with how you relate to the earth.

It has a lot to do with how you attach to lovers & what you expect of them.

This constant return to the white culture’s slight discomfort.

My son’s father, actually one of my best friends of my life despite all disagreement, said,

“Are you saying that the way you were raped anally by your patient in the military has do with how we consume food & resources as a culture?”

Yes. I do.

I write this trying to report back on the way we gather. It feels dangerous to write my experience, to know what is relevant.

There was a conflict transformation team. Three words that represent how far we have gotten in being there for each other. There are more hands raised each year to volunteer to transform conflict. More people stand each year to face all of it. This year some of the themes I witnessed are suicide, lymph cleansing & being present in one’s body. That is inspiring to me. The team was called on pretty little for interpersonal conflict. People found ways to be there for each other. Many new creative ways. A lot of friends found support from the basic weeds growing around us.

I attempted to bring some technologies I know to the table. Things that creatively support people in looking at how we each work & love & live together. I ended up not being able to share them. One community technology is called “Zegg Forum” & another is “Holistic peer counseling”. My heart was too heavy to share. It has been six years of hearing peers with privilege talk about how they want to show up to the continuity of community yet so few have returned to each other with tangible resources to move in health filled ways. It felt deeply sad to think that I am the one bringing resources around this stuff. Leading from the center is depleting & fucking dangerous.

I came to hear in my head, “I ain’t your guru, bro. I’m just tryin to thrive through so many layers of death.”

(1) How Nonviolence Protects the State – http://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/peter-gelderloos-how-nonviolence-protects-the-state
(2) Conquest by Andrea Smith – https://www.dukeupress.edu/Conquest
(3) Compersion – http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Compersion

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1 Comment »

  1. […] the camp, one person expressed their experience at the camp in a post on their personal wordpress and sent it out to the […]

    Pingback by Wild Roots Camp Explores Off-Grid Alternatives - UNICORN RIOT — April 12, 2016 @ 7:47 pm


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    Mother Lover. <3

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